“The greatest pleasures in life are for free.”
-Introduction to Charlie’s Angels I
A few days ago, my burning elephant-sized body got rocked by a bout of incessant heavy coughing. Under the spell of cough with lots of tears coming out of my eyes, mucus dripping from my nose, and sticky phlegm coming out through my mouth (na kulang na lang ay may earwax ding tumatalsik palabas ng aking tenga), I got alarmed on the possibility that I acquired the dreaded Influenza A(H1N1) virus. If ever I indeed contracted that virus strain, would I die of this sickness? It has been more than a week now since I have started to cough like hell’s brunt. Fortunately, and to my great relief, the fever, headache and LBM have subsided.
Yes, I feel sick and weak now. The act of eating a decent meal alone is torture to my mushy stomach as witnessed by my toilet bowl and sink. Moreover, my room is a complete mess with all of these papers, water bottles, dirty clothing, grocery items and food wrappers scattered all around me. I actually took some pictures of the big trash box (which is my room, asa ka pa), but I would not post them over my Friendster account. Hah, why should I? Doing so is nothing different from me gathering my mucus-filled hankies and urine-drenched undies and raising them over a flagpole. (Now, that’s so gross of me.)
Where was I? Ah, I was actually talking about my sudden-death-thanks-to-H1N1 reverie. Actually, I have lots of things to say, but how would I put my thoughts into written words? Let’s see. Isa-isahin natin pag-dissect sa thoughts ko para mas systematic.
Honestly speaking, I am so frustrated for being sick and tied to my bed. I am not used to being immobilized or to just counting the days pass by without accomplishing anything for myself. Of course I could have finished reading my piled up readings here, but my uncooperative mind refused to admit the academic knowledge presented by those dead (and not dead) white and brown men’s brilliant minds. I was literally talking out loud to myself and cursing the virus strain that chose to make my body its habitat. But then, I held myself in check and decided to look at the brighter side of my current health situation. I reprimanded myself for taking things sans humor since I-do-not-know-when. Indeed, it has been a time now since I have reflected over things; hence my current immobilization may be one of God’s ways to make me sit down for a moment to ponder over the meaning of life and the purpose of my existence. I’ve ended up asking myself, “If ever I am going to die prematurely, am I going to cross over to the afterlife feeling contented and satisfied for having lived my life to the fullest? In the first place, can I convincingly tell myself that, so far, I have lived my life to its fullest?” I think the answer to the aforementioned questions is a big NO.
Let me elucidate.
Life is a matter of decisions. Before, I’ve been thinking that there’s no point in living “life” because life is full of pains and sufferings and frustrations anyway. I used to perceive life as a nasty theatrics of the Creator to egotistically demonstrate His power to make or to break, and it was so unfortunate of me to belong to the group of people whom He wanted to break over and over again. I used to pity myself, to sulk in a corner, and to lick my wounds. I used to think that people eventually die so there was no point at all in prolonging life when prolonging it would be tantamount to prolonging agony. No wonder, therefore, that my life sucked in the past few years…because I have subliminally decided that life sucks. To cut the story short, I rebelled against myself; I rebelled against my family and society; and I rebelled against God.
In the course of my silent rebellion against God, I turned my back on the religious faith through which my mother raised me. I rejected the idea of the existence of a Divine Creator and of his lordship over my life. In the course of my rebellion against my puritan family, I have broken my family’s (especially my mom’s) heart by bumming around instead of concentrating on my studies in that premier university they have sent me to study at. In my anger to and rebellion against some people in my immediate society in the province, many times have I been tempted to give the go-signal to some people (or to do things myself) so as to physically harm those people who offended my family or to inflict damage on their possessions. In the course of my rebellion against and frustrations over my life, I indulged on nasty vices so as to hasten my demise -- my indirect attempt to put an end to my role in the so-called stage of my life’s play. I deliberately compromised myself and my life because I found no meaning to it. Call me self-destructive, an idiot or anything unsavory; I am not going to contest your claim…because in retrospection, I cannot help but castigate myself for being such a bumbling idiot.
“Life is not a bed of roses,” or so people say. Do you believe in that cliché? Prior to writing this, I firmly believed in it because I’d usually underscore on the imperfections of life. But after reflecting on everything that has transpired in my life, I have come to the conclusion that life is beautiful and is indeed comparable to a bed of roses. The crimson color of the petals is very much pleasing to the eyes especially against the backdrop of lush greens. However, the rose bushes are filled with thorns too. It is therefore up to us whether to appreciate the beautiful contrast of colors or to make a fuss over the intermingling of those painfully biting thorns. In essence, the beauty or ugliness of life is dependent upon our own dispositions in and perceptions of life as a whole.
For now, I can say with confidence and conviction that my life does not suck, thanks to this eye-opening segment. As such, I thank the Almighty for sustaining me throughout my misadventures even though I have turned my back on Him a few years back. I thank God for giving me a loving and supportive family whose actions are motivated by what they (family members) perceive is good for me. I thank Him for making me feel indignant and angry over the not-so-funny-actions-and-inactions (read my lips: perceived injustices) that have been committed against my family and for placing me in the company of mentoring people in the province because I have learned a lot of practical and street-smart lessons out of those abrasive situations. I thank my Creator for giving me this second chance to believe in Him and to submit to His lordship once again, if only to give peace to my soul. In short, I am mighty grateful for this chance to make amends with my past mistakes, with my hurts and with my frustrations.
Thinking retrospectively, I find humor on how God uses circumstances to mold me into a better person. Take my academics as an example. Before, I became an agnostic then an atheist because of too much philosophizing, thanks a lot to my Philosophy and other general education (GE) subjects. Moreover, I flunked three times in Sociology and I feel so ashamed of and to myself for always failing in that GE. (Sorry, guys, but I really find Sociology to be very unappealing to my rather selective-learning kind of a psyche.) However, it is through my Sociology subject that I have found my purpose in life and my drive to go on with my advocacies (Hello there, Philippine Contemporary Social Issues!). Furthermore, it is through my philosophizing and in my weaknesses that I have had an encounter with the mystery (and I mean MYSTERY!) of a Supreme Being’s existence. Call it a divine encounter or anything, but that is it.
I am sorry for elucidating too much on my what-if-I-suddenly-die reverie. Did I bore you? My point lang naman is to let you, guys, know that I, Beverly A. Ballitoc, a long-playing student of UPD, have decided to give a positive spin to my relatively dull life. I have found my purpose in life and I am going to work hard in order to attain the destiny that my Creator has in mind when He has formed me. Whereas before I have been painting a gloomy atmosphere in the canvas of my life, I have presently decided to add brighter colors to it in order to spruce up the picture. Whereas before I have been stressing so much on the negative and sad events in the stage of my life’s play, I think it is about time for me to give more emphasis to the little favors and blessings that God has bestowed (and is going to bestow) upon me. It is not yet too late for me to make amends, to enjoy life, and to inch my way toward the maximization of the potentials granted to me from above.
Carpe diem and Exelsior: these words are going to be my motto in life. And if ever I am indeed going to die prematurely without attaining the peak of my personhood or without delivering on the promises I have made to myself and to some people who are dear to me, then let this “reflection paper” be my testimony and manifesto. Hey, I am not being morbid here (because I know I still have a long life to live) neither am I preaching to you (because I am no preacher, let alone a saint); I simply want to make an example out of myself to people out there who want to go into some [mis]adventures so they may think twice before jumping out of their respective fishbowls. And to those young people reading this who have not yet decided to give a better meaning to their respective life, let me just tell you that I have gone through a lot of towers and trenches yet I have found no real satisfaction and security. At the end of the day, I have decided to say enough of my [spiritual mis]adventurism (read it: PRIDE) and I-do-not-care attitude in life. I have decide to find my way back -- no matter how long, humbling or laborious it may be -- to that fishbowl where I truly belong.
All of us have dreams. We all dream of greater successes. We all dream of the good life. But we must be aware that in this dog-eat-dog world, the courageous and well-prepared visionaries dominate the chance of making it to the summit. However, victory and success are not exclusively for people who dream big and spend big-time. Victory and Success open their doors, too, to people like you and me, people who endeavor to leave a lasting mark – a legacy – on even the most minute aspect of our respective life. Victory and Success are sweet, but nothing is sweeter than to witness the human soul triumph over the many adversities of life. Everything is but a matter of mindset. Everything is but a matter of disposal. Therefore, let us go for a revolution of the mind. Let us go for changes…And let’s start with ourselves!
I cannot change the sorry state of my country and those of my marginalized countrymen, but I can change the sorry state of my own life. Life is a matter of decisions and is comparable to a bed of roses. The beauty or ugliness of our respective life is dependent upon our own dispositions. I have decided to dwell on the little blessings and pleasures I have and will have in the future. I have decided to give substance and purpose to my life. And even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil for my God is with me (Psalm 23:4).
I have made the first step toward making my existence a beautiful and meaningful one. I have made the first step toward enjoying my life. And I feel good.
Indeed, the greatest pleasures in life are for free.
Sikatuna Village, QC
July 29, 2009
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
UNDER THE STATE OF GRACE: Snapshots of a Cavewoman's Life in the Mega-City
I do not know what evil I have done in the past to merit this life I am living now. For starters, my scalp is already bleeding because of the itch and irritation caused by these stupid head lice that have decided to carve a niche out of my head. I do not know how I acquired these parasites neither can I point to any possible culprit of this plague that has befallen me. Then there goes my laptop that crashed just recently. I had to say adieu to ALL of my files including my finished and unfinished projects and compositions that had cost me sleepless nights and buckets of sweat, blood and tears just so to get produced. And yes, I am back to being a long-playing miserable student in a rather miserable city that I so loathe to live in.
[Just for the record, I am presently based in a miserable concrete jungle because I study in a not miserable university that has had the miserable fate of sustaining a large slash in budget as a consequence of that miserable state-abandonment-of-education policy of the string of miserable administrations that, at one point or another, run my not totally miserable country. Please do not get me wrong; I am thankful to the Almighty for causing me to be born a Filipino. And being a Filipino with a high sense of nationalism, I am not ashamed to proclaim to the world that my nation's capital city is Manila. Pero naman, there is a big difference between being proud of your nation's capital city and that of actually living there with all the stress and pressure that come with the package. If I were to make my choice without thinking of the long-term consequences, I would choose to stay in Ifugao to proverbially plant camote, play with my nephews and take care of the very micro-enterprise that a friend and I started just recently.]
You must be thinking of how pathetic and backward I am for favoring countryside living over urban life, right? I have to concede that you have a point there. To that of me being pathetic and backward, that is. I will tell you why. But first, let me tell you something about my present life.
Due to some twisted humor of fate, my once worst enemy has become my Filipino best friend. As a show of goodwill and to ease my longing for my countryside connection, she and her mom offered me last November to stay with her in one of their houses somewhere among the gated neighborhoods of Tandang Sora. To cut the story short, it was my friendship with this person that paved the way for me to live in an upscale neighborhood without the need to pay those exorbitant rents. Of course, I am aware and have submitted to the idea that with that privilege comes a set of standards that I have to adapt to and comply with. Pero goodness gracious naman, di ko akalain that my resolve and not-so-probinsyana disposition would be put to test immediately after I said I do to those rigid expectations and standards.
Ang Probinsyana, Bow!
Last November 20, one of my best friend's avid suitors visited her. Since she is an insomniac and since she would be taking the UP Law Aptitude Examination (LAE) the following morning, we decided to get drunk with (beep!) Beer just so she could sleep early. I was depressed that time and obviously I would not be paying for the drinks, kaya aba, sige naman sa walang hiyang katatagay etong maglulupang si Beverly. Libre, eh. Besides, we were home kaya okay lang. Ang siste, I did not anticipate that Mr. Suitor intended to do some fighting with my friend. I could have stayed and acted as a spectator to the live show but my sense of decency dictated me to leave and give them the privacy of the moment.
Despite the fact that I was almost drunk that time, Mr Suitor was very kind enough to lend me the key of his big bike so that I would not get bored outside. I was excited, of course, because that would be the first time for me to drive such a bike. Only that I could not get the engine started with the power button and electronic ignition. I tried to locate the kick start but I found none. For ten minutes, I refused to give up the search. Then I heard the sound of a whistle and the thuds of combat boots. I did not care. Because all I wanted was to start the engine and ride that beast. Then I heard it, that abrasive yell of the security guard who was rushing to my direction. He was about to handcuff me when the thought hit me and I had to explain immediately that I was not hot-wiring the bike sabay pakita ng susi. The guard understood naman and apologized for the mistake. I got infuriated, of course. I may have the charms of a gargoyle, pero sino ba naman ang hindi maaasar kapag napagkamalan kang carnapper, di ba? Don't worry, I did not lash out at him because I understood naman that he was just doing his job. I simply nodded and sat by the sidewalk na lang since I could not start the bike anyway.
It took me about fifteen minutes to pacify myself. All the while, I was there talking over the phone with my sister while sitting beside the bike that was parked across the street. Tapos bigla ako nakaramdam ng matinding pagkawiwi. I ran to the house so as to relieve myself only to find out that I locked the door pala without taking my key when I went out. I wanted to knock and ask my friend to open the door but I was ashamed to disturb my friend and Mr Suitor whom I presumed must in the middle of a very hot fight by then. I could have relieved myself in the lawn or backyard but our grumpy and napakataray neighbors were outside literally counting their money. Aside from the fact that the lawn and backyard were brightly lit and kitang-kita kung may tao doon o wala, I embraced, too, the principle of not shitting on my own backyard for whatever merit or practicality there is to it. I decided to cast away my pride and ask my neighbor to make me use her toilet but the thought of being turned down and very probable pa na makatanggap ako ng pagtataray caused my feet to refuse to walk. Sabay napatingin ako dun sa motorsiklo and realized that the street was empty and not brightly lit I could relieve myself there. Pero Diyos mio naman, the guard house is just 50 meters away from that spot at may mangilan-ilang cars pa namang pumapasok sa subdivision. Moreover at kahit pa sabihin natin na super nawiwiwi na ako, I find it as very distasteful and disrespectful na hindi nga ako magwiwiwi sa backyard ko pero magwiwiwi naman ako sa frontyard ng iba. Then there was the option of me na pasimpleng tatayo sa isang corner in the backyard and pee on my pants. The thing is, I would die of humiliation when my friend and Mr Suitor would see me all peed up because I have to pass in front of them to go get a change of pants upstairs. Grabeng lakas mangantiyaw lang naman ng kaibigan ko at nataon namang madali rin akong mapikon na tao. Pero shiiitttt, grabeng nawiwiwi na ako that I was having goosebumps that time na talaga.
Please do not ask me of what I chose among the above-stated options. Suffice it to say that my conscience haunted me even in my sleep that fateful night. Bad dreams. Bad dreams. Ahaay...
As a Whole
I have just come out from a two-week depression. I was so down way back then I thought I was living in the deepest and darkest recesses of my life. I felt like giving in to all the blows I had sustained in such a very short period of time. Many times I caught myself glancing at my empty coffee mug while giving out a sigh of resignation. However I am a stubborn person hence I have refused to give up my fight.
Now that I am back to my normal mood and disposition, the adage of a silver lining on the darkest clouds has been more meaningful to me. I may have acquired these stupid parasites that now dwell on my head but at least I have a small amount in my pocket naman to buy that medicine to totally annihilate them and the itch and irritation that they make me suffer. I may have lost all of my files but at least I have this brain and the hands given to me by the Almighty to redo my projects and compositions. Yes, I have lost all the videos and photos but the memories will linger and my friends and family will always be there for me naman. I may be back as a student in this city that causes me so much stress [and strain] but at least I am given the chance and big favor (by God, by my family and by the Filipino taxpayers) to finish my [mis]adventures in the academic stage of my life's humble play. Though I have been mistaken for a carnapper and even though the call of nature has made a clown out of me, having my Filipino best friend beside me and having a good shelter to live in are big reasons for me to be grateful to the Providence. I may be having big problems in other areas of my life but at least I am breathing and I can still make amends... with God, with the people I love, with myself.
“The real tragedy in life is not death itself but the absence of a purpose in living.” I do not know where I have read it, but I can attest to the validity and logic of this nugget of wisdom. Life is still sweet. Yeah, life is sweet.
Post Script
There was no fighting naman pala that took place between my friend and Mr Suitor. If only I was not that very considerate, ahaay...
[Just for the record, I am presently based in a miserable concrete jungle because I study in a not miserable university that has had the miserable fate of sustaining a large slash in budget as a consequence of that miserable state-abandonment-of-education policy of the string of miserable administrations that, at one point or another, run my not totally miserable country. Please do not get me wrong; I am thankful to the Almighty for causing me to be born a Filipino. And being a Filipino with a high sense of nationalism, I am not ashamed to proclaim to the world that my nation's capital city is Manila. Pero naman, there is a big difference between being proud of your nation's capital city and that of actually living there with all the stress and pressure that come with the package. If I were to make my choice without thinking of the long-term consequences, I would choose to stay in Ifugao to proverbially plant camote, play with my nephews and take care of the very micro-enterprise that a friend and I started just recently.]
You must be thinking of how pathetic and backward I am for favoring countryside living over urban life, right? I have to concede that you have a point there. To that of me being pathetic and backward, that is. I will tell you why. But first, let me tell you something about my present life.
Due to some twisted humor of fate, my once worst enemy has become my Filipino best friend. As a show of goodwill and to ease my longing for my countryside connection, she and her mom offered me last November to stay with her in one of their houses somewhere among the gated neighborhoods of Tandang Sora. To cut the story short, it was my friendship with this person that paved the way for me to live in an upscale neighborhood without the need to pay those exorbitant rents. Of course, I am aware and have submitted to the idea that with that privilege comes a set of standards that I have to adapt to and comply with. Pero goodness gracious naman, di ko akalain that my resolve and not-so-probinsyana disposition would be put to test immediately after I said I do to those rigid expectations and standards.
Ang Probinsyana, Bow!
Last November 20, one of my best friend's avid suitors visited her. Since she is an insomniac and since she would be taking the UP Law Aptitude Examination (LAE) the following morning, we decided to get drunk with (beep!) Beer just so she could sleep early. I was depressed that time and obviously I would not be paying for the drinks, kaya aba, sige naman sa walang hiyang katatagay etong maglulupang si Beverly. Libre, eh. Besides, we were home kaya okay lang. Ang siste, I did not anticipate that Mr. Suitor intended to do some fighting with my friend. I could have stayed and acted as a spectator to the live show but my sense of decency dictated me to leave and give them the privacy of the moment.
Despite the fact that I was almost drunk that time, Mr Suitor was very kind enough to lend me the key of his big bike so that I would not get bored outside. I was excited, of course, because that would be the first time for me to drive such a bike. Only that I could not get the engine started with the power button and electronic ignition. I tried to locate the kick start but I found none. For ten minutes, I refused to give up the search. Then I heard the sound of a whistle and the thuds of combat boots. I did not care. Because all I wanted was to start the engine and ride that beast. Then I heard it, that abrasive yell of the security guard who was rushing to my direction. He was about to handcuff me when the thought hit me and I had to explain immediately that I was not hot-wiring the bike sabay pakita ng susi. The guard understood naman and apologized for the mistake. I got infuriated, of course. I may have the charms of a gargoyle, pero sino ba naman ang hindi maaasar kapag napagkamalan kang carnapper, di ba? Don't worry, I did not lash out at him because I understood naman that he was just doing his job. I simply nodded and sat by the sidewalk na lang since I could not start the bike anyway.
It took me about fifteen minutes to pacify myself. All the while, I was there talking over the phone with my sister while sitting beside the bike that was parked across the street. Tapos bigla ako nakaramdam ng matinding pagkawiwi. I ran to the house so as to relieve myself only to find out that I locked the door pala without taking my key when I went out. I wanted to knock and ask my friend to open the door but I was ashamed to disturb my friend and Mr Suitor whom I presumed must in the middle of a very hot fight by then. I could have relieved myself in the lawn or backyard but our grumpy and napakataray neighbors were outside literally counting their money. Aside from the fact that the lawn and backyard were brightly lit and kitang-kita kung may tao doon o wala, I embraced, too, the principle of not shitting on my own backyard for whatever merit or practicality there is to it. I decided to cast away my pride and ask my neighbor to make me use her toilet but the thought of being turned down and very probable pa na makatanggap ako ng pagtataray caused my feet to refuse to walk. Sabay napatingin ako dun sa motorsiklo and realized that the street was empty and not brightly lit I could relieve myself there. Pero Diyos mio naman, the guard house is just 50 meters away from that spot at may mangilan-ilang cars pa namang pumapasok sa subdivision. Moreover at kahit pa sabihin natin na super nawiwiwi na ako, I find it as very distasteful and disrespectful na hindi nga ako magwiwiwi sa backyard ko pero magwiwiwi naman ako sa frontyard ng iba. Then there was the option of me na pasimpleng tatayo sa isang corner in the backyard and pee on my pants. The thing is, I would die of humiliation when my friend and Mr Suitor would see me all peed up because I have to pass in front of them to go get a change of pants upstairs. Grabeng lakas mangantiyaw lang naman ng kaibigan ko at nataon namang madali rin akong mapikon na tao. Pero shiiitttt, grabeng nawiwiwi na ako that I was having goosebumps that time na talaga.
Please do not ask me of what I chose among the above-stated options. Suffice it to say that my conscience haunted me even in my sleep that fateful night. Bad dreams. Bad dreams. Ahaay...
As a Whole
I have just come out from a two-week depression. I was so down way back then I thought I was living in the deepest and darkest recesses of my life. I felt like giving in to all the blows I had sustained in such a very short period of time. Many times I caught myself glancing at my empty coffee mug while giving out a sigh of resignation. However I am a stubborn person hence I have refused to give up my fight.
Now that I am back to my normal mood and disposition, the adage of a silver lining on the darkest clouds has been more meaningful to me. I may have acquired these stupid parasites that now dwell on my head but at least I have a small amount in my pocket naman to buy that medicine to totally annihilate them and the itch and irritation that they make me suffer. I may have lost all of my files but at least I have this brain and the hands given to me by the Almighty to redo my projects and compositions. Yes, I have lost all the videos and photos but the memories will linger and my friends and family will always be there for me naman. I may be back as a student in this city that causes me so much stress [and strain] but at least I am given the chance and big favor (by God, by my family and by the Filipino taxpayers) to finish my [mis]adventures in the academic stage of my life's humble play. Though I have been mistaken for a carnapper and even though the call of nature has made a clown out of me, having my Filipino best friend beside me and having a good shelter to live in are big reasons for me to be grateful to the Providence. I may be having big problems in other areas of my life but at least I am breathing and I can still make amends... with God, with the people I love, with myself.
“The real tragedy in life is not death itself but the absence of a purpose in living.” I do not know where I have read it, but I can attest to the validity and logic of this nugget of wisdom. Life is still sweet. Yeah, life is sweet.
Post Script
There was no fighting naman pala that took place between my friend and Mr Suitor. If only I was not that very considerate, ahaay...
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
The Incorrigible Prick
You-whose-name-is-not-to-be-mentioned, gdyi!
You are one hell of an asshole, a manipulative and scheming bitch, a disgusting shit head. Damn you and your angst, damn you and your pride, damn you and your bloated head.
For some time now, I have observed that things are getting worse between the two of us. And with that observation comes questions that keep on ringing in my mind every time we argue: Do we really need to be bitter competitors to each other? Do we really need to outsmart and piss off each other every time we get the chance to do so? Must we get into each other’s nerves and enjoy, rather celebrate to the nines, as we watch how the other gets to embarrass herself in public due to all of those provocations? Are we this shallow? Are we an axis of evil?
Admit it or not, we have come a little close to being friends. Well, I do not know how you define that word, but the fact still remains—that we can freely become our real selves in each other’s company; that we can blurt out any thought, idea, or opinion we have without inhibitions or pretensions; that we feel comfortable in each other’s company, except when we argue over small things which usually turn into big deals. Now, that I believe is enough a qualification for me to say that I personally view you as a mere acquaintance no more.
Unfortunately, we seem to trample on those petty yet promising foundations of a civil and harmonious co-existence, to say the least. Correct me if ever I am wrong, but I say with conviction that we tend to deliberately build a wall between us for reasons I do not know other than pride. We tend to become insolent to each other, to raise our brows to high heavens just so to agitate the other, and worst, to become unnecessarily obnoxious during those tough periods of one is pain- and anger-stricken. We do not want to admit our own mediocrity vis-à-vis each other’s respective strength that we resort to sour-graping and sporting our vexatious superiority complex so as to nurse our dampened ego. Sad and nasty as it is, but that is the reality as I objectively see it.
In assessing that never-been-very-funny grandstanding we did yet again just recently, I tried to recall things from the beginning: we actually had a very bad start. I was prejudiced and sarcastic on you and you perceived me as a stiff and arrogant show-off, among others. I was mad at you when I heard of those nasty things you allegedly said and did to my fellow Ifugaos, and you were very furious with me when the class laughed at you because I strongly rebutted your weak argument on a certain social dilemma.
Then came a grand event in the university to which both of us represented our respective colleges. Well, you asked me to help you get through the preliminaries since we were of different brackets anyway. I obliged. You won. You were ecstatic and your parents even invited me over for dinner. I thought that event would end all the grudges and competition between the two of us. I was wrong. Because we eventually faced each other as tough rivals in the championship. My team bagged the crown and I won a much coveted award. As for you, you retreated to your glorious ivory tower (huh!) and even accused the organizers of foul play. You really made me very mad at you. I felt so insulted. I felt so frustrated. I felt so bad. And the rest, as they say, is a very embarrassing history of two equally moronic people.
Honestly, I do not know, let alone understand the proximate cause of everything other than wounded ego and childish personal retribution. Come to think of it: We do not have an intersection of any highly sensitive interests that can validly make us rivals or competitors. As far as I know, I have even admitted to you that I have learned to respect you because of some of your rather laudable traits and personality. You are striving to make a name for yourself on a certain field of arts and in micro-scale business, while I am trying to hit it too on another field of discipline. Though we have been classmates in some subjects, we are of different age brackets and of different training, so the discrepancy between our academic performances is quite understandable. We may come from the same town, but our families have never clashed against each other in the same bureaucratic field, or for the same position at that. And the list goes on...
I am very tired of things. I have my own concerns and burdens. At home. At work. In school. Deep within me. Please do not add weight and pressure to my already max-strained life. I go to school because I want to earn a degree for myself. I go indulge myself in your business establishment because I need to unwind in the least expensive place I can go without compromising safety and vanity. I go with the company of some people because I like the way they carry themselves and make do with the environment, and not because I deliberately want to piss you off and provoke you to more head-splitting argumentations. If you think otherwise, that is now what we call paranoia.
Enough is enough. I am done. I am giving in. Have it your way. Step on me personally, I do not care. But never ever try to pun on my family or on the people to which I belong to; that is going to lead you into another story.
Go. Proclaim my concession. Say to the world that you have me finally said my lines of acknowledgment. I no longer care. I no longer have the guts and strength to waste on a senseless verbal hocus pocus.
Go, conquer the world for yourself. You wish; I bet not. Never. Not on your kind.
Bayombong
Nov 27, 2006
You are one hell of an asshole, a manipulative and scheming bitch, a disgusting shit head. Damn you and your angst, damn you and your pride, damn you and your bloated head.
For some time now, I have observed that things are getting worse between the two of us. And with that observation comes questions that keep on ringing in my mind every time we argue: Do we really need to be bitter competitors to each other? Do we really need to outsmart and piss off each other every time we get the chance to do so? Must we get into each other’s nerves and enjoy, rather celebrate to the nines, as we watch how the other gets to embarrass herself in public due to all of those provocations? Are we this shallow? Are we an axis of evil?
Admit it or not, we have come a little close to being friends. Well, I do not know how you define that word, but the fact still remains—that we can freely become our real selves in each other’s company; that we can blurt out any thought, idea, or opinion we have without inhibitions or pretensions; that we feel comfortable in each other’s company, except when we argue over small things which usually turn into big deals. Now, that I believe is enough a qualification for me to say that I personally view you as a mere acquaintance no more.
Unfortunately, we seem to trample on those petty yet promising foundations of a civil and harmonious co-existence, to say the least. Correct me if ever I am wrong, but I say with conviction that we tend to deliberately build a wall between us for reasons I do not know other than pride. We tend to become insolent to each other, to raise our brows to high heavens just so to agitate the other, and worst, to become unnecessarily obnoxious during those tough periods of one is pain- and anger-stricken. We do not want to admit our own mediocrity vis-à-vis each other’s respective strength that we resort to sour-graping and sporting our vexatious superiority complex so as to nurse our dampened ego. Sad and nasty as it is, but that is the reality as I objectively see it.
In assessing that never-been-very-funny grandstanding we did yet again just recently, I tried to recall things from the beginning: we actually had a very bad start. I was prejudiced and sarcastic on you and you perceived me as a stiff and arrogant show-off, among others. I was mad at you when I heard of those nasty things you allegedly said and did to my fellow Ifugaos, and you were very furious with me when the class laughed at you because I strongly rebutted your weak argument on a certain social dilemma.
Then came a grand event in the university to which both of us represented our respective colleges. Well, you asked me to help you get through the preliminaries since we were of different brackets anyway. I obliged. You won. You were ecstatic and your parents even invited me over for dinner. I thought that event would end all the grudges and competition between the two of us. I was wrong. Because we eventually faced each other as tough rivals in the championship. My team bagged the crown and I won a much coveted award. As for you, you retreated to your glorious ivory tower (huh!) and even accused the organizers of foul play. You really made me very mad at you. I felt so insulted. I felt so frustrated. I felt so bad. And the rest, as they say, is a very embarrassing history of two equally moronic people.
Honestly, I do not know, let alone understand the proximate cause of everything other than wounded ego and childish personal retribution. Come to think of it: We do not have an intersection of any highly sensitive interests that can validly make us rivals or competitors. As far as I know, I have even admitted to you that I have learned to respect you because of some of your rather laudable traits and personality. You are striving to make a name for yourself on a certain field of arts and in micro-scale business, while I am trying to hit it too on another field of discipline. Though we have been classmates in some subjects, we are of different age brackets and of different training, so the discrepancy between our academic performances is quite understandable. We may come from the same town, but our families have never clashed against each other in the same bureaucratic field, or for the same position at that. And the list goes on...
I am very tired of things. I have my own concerns and burdens. At home. At work. In school. Deep within me. Please do not add weight and pressure to my already max-strained life. I go to school because I want to earn a degree for myself. I go indulge myself in your business establishment because I need to unwind in the least expensive place I can go without compromising safety and vanity. I go with the company of some people because I like the way they carry themselves and make do with the environment, and not because I deliberately want to piss you off and provoke you to more head-splitting argumentations. If you think otherwise, that is now what we call paranoia.
Enough is enough. I am done. I am giving in. Have it your way. Step on me personally, I do not care. But never ever try to pun on my family or on the people to which I belong to; that is going to lead you into another story.
Go. Proclaim my concession. Say to the world that you have me finally said my lines of acknowledgment. I no longer care. I no longer have the guts and strength to waste on a senseless verbal hocus pocus.
Go, conquer the world for yourself. You wish; I bet not. Never. Not on your kind.
Bayombong
Nov 27, 2006
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)