You-whose-name-is-not-to-be-mentioned, gdyi!
You are one hell of an asshole, a manipulative and scheming bitch, a disgusting shit head. Damn you and your angst, damn you and your pride, damn you and your bloated head.
For some time now, I have observed that things are getting worse between the two of us. And with that observation comes questions that keep on ringing in my mind every time we argue: Do we really need to be bitter competitors to each other? Do we really need to outsmart and piss off each other every time we get the chance to do so? Must we get into each other’s nerves and enjoy, rather celebrate to the nines, as we watch how the other gets to embarrass herself in public due to all of those provocations? Are we this shallow? Are we an axis of evil?
Admit it or not, we have come a little close to being friends. Well, I do not know how you define that word, but the fact still remains—that we can freely become our real selves in each other’s company; that we can blurt out any thought, idea, or opinion we have without inhibitions or pretensions; that we feel comfortable in each other’s company, except when we argue over small things which usually turn into big deals. Now, that I believe is enough a qualification for me to say that I personally view you as a mere acquaintance no more.
Unfortunately, we seem to trample on those petty yet promising foundations of a civil and harmonious co-existence, to say the least. Correct me if ever I am wrong, but I say with conviction that we tend to deliberately build a wall between us for reasons I do not know other than pride. We tend to become insolent to each other, to raise our brows to high heavens just so to agitate the other, and worst, to become unnecessarily obnoxious during those tough periods of one is pain- and anger-stricken. We do not want to admit our own mediocrity vis-à-vis each other’s respective strength that we resort to sour-graping and sporting our vexatious superiority complex so as to nurse our dampened ego. Sad and nasty as it is, but that is the reality as I objectively see it.
In assessing that never-been-very-funny grandstanding we did yet again just recently, I tried to recall things from the beginning: we actually had a very bad start. I was prejudiced and sarcastic on you and you perceived me as a stiff and arrogant show-off, among others. I was mad at you when I heard of those nasty things you allegedly said and did to my fellow Ifugaos, and you were very furious with me when the class laughed at you because I strongly rebutted your weak argument on a certain social dilemma.
Then came a grand event in the university to which both of us represented our respective colleges. Well, you asked me to help you get through the preliminaries since we were of different brackets anyway. I obliged. You won. You were ecstatic and your parents even invited me over for dinner. I thought that event would end all the grudges and competition between the two of us. I was wrong. Because we eventually faced each other as tough rivals in the championship. My team bagged the crown and I won a much coveted award. As for you, you retreated to your glorious ivory tower (huh!) and even accused the organizers of foul play. You really made me very mad at you. I felt so insulted. I felt so frustrated. I felt so bad. And the rest, as they say, is a very embarrassing history of two equally moronic people.
Honestly, I do not know, let alone understand the proximate cause of everything other than wounded ego and childish personal retribution. Come to think of it: We do not have an intersection of any highly sensitive interests that can validly make us rivals or competitors. As far as I know, I have even admitted to you that I have learned to respect you because of some of your rather laudable traits and personality. You are striving to make a name for yourself on a certain field of arts and in micro-scale business, while I am trying to hit it too on another field of discipline. Though we have been classmates in some subjects, we are of different age brackets and of different training, so the discrepancy between our academic performances is quite understandable. We may come from the same town, but our families have never clashed against each other in the same bureaucratic field, or for the same position at that. And the list goes on...
I am very tired of things. I have my own concerns and burdens. At home. At work. In school. Deep within me. Please do not add weight and pressure to my already max-strained life. I go to school because I want to earn a degree for myself. I go indulge myself in your business establishment because I need to unwind in the least expensive place I can go without compromising safety and vanity. I go with the company of some people because I like the way they carry themselves and make do with the environment, and not because I deliberately want to piss you off and provoke you to more head-splitting argumentations. If you think otherwise, that is now what we call paranoia.
Enough is enough. I am done. I am giving in. Have it your way. Step on me personally, I do not care. But never ever try to pun on my family or on the people to which I belong to; that is going to lead you into another story.
Go. Proclaim my concession. Say to the world that you have me finally said my lines of acknowledgment. I no longer care. I no longer have the guts and strength to waste on a senseless verbal hocus pocus.
Go, conquer the world for yourself. You wish; I bet not. Never. Not on your kind.
Bayombong
Nov 27, 2006
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