ON MY WINDOW

“The greatest pleasures in life are for free.”
-Introduction to Charlie’s Angels I


A few days ago, my burning elephant-sized body got rocked by a bout of incessant heavy coughing. Under the spell of cough with lots of tears coming out of my eyes, mucus dripping from my nose, and sticky phlegm coming out through my mouth (na kulang na lang ay may earwax ding tumatalsik palabas ng aking tenga), I got alarmed on the possibility that I acquired the dreaded Influenza A(H1N1) virus. If ever I indeed contracted that virus strain, would I die of this sickness? It has been more than a week now since I have started to cough like hell’s brunt. Fortunately, and to my great relief, the fever, headache and LBM have subsided.

Yes, I feel sick and weak now. The act of eating a decent meal alone is torture to my mushy stomach as witnessed by my toilet bowl and sink. Moreover, my room is a complete mess with all of these papers, water bottles, dirty clothing, grocery items and food wrappers scattered all around me. I actually took some pictures of the big trash box (which is my room, asa ka pa), but I would not post them over my Friendster account. Hah, why should I? Doing so is nothing different from me gathering my mucus-filled hankies and urine-drenched undies and raising them over a flagpole. (Now, that’s so gross of me.)

Where was I? Ah, I was actually talking about my sudden-death-thanks-to-H1N1 reverie. Actually, I have lots of things to say, but how would I put my thoughts into written words? Let’s see. Isa-isahin natin pag-dissect sa thoughts ko para mas systematic.

Honestly speaking, I am so frustrated for being sick and tied to my bed. I am not used to being immobilized or to just counting the days pass by without accomplishing anything for myself. Of course I could have finished reading my piled up readings here, but my uncooperative mind refused to admit the academic knowledge presented by those dead (and not dead) white and brown men’s brilliant minds. I was literally talking out loud to myself and cursing the virus strain that chose to make my body its habitat. But then, I held myself in check and decided to look at the brighter side of my current health situation. I reprimanded myself for taking things sans humor since I-do-not-know-when. Indeed, it has been a time now since I have reflected over things; hence my current immobilization may be one of God’s ways to make me sit down for a moment to ponder over the meaning of life and the purpose of my existence. I’ve ended up asking myself, “If ever I am going to die prematurely, am I going to cross over to the afterlife feeling contented and satisfied for having lived my life to the fullest? In the first place, can I convincingly tell myself that, so far, I have lived my life to its fullest?” I think the answer to the aforementioned questions is a big NO.

Let me elucidate.

Life is a matter of decisions. Before, I’ve been thinking that there’s no point in living “life” because life is full of pains and sufferings and frustrations anyway. I used to perceive life as a nasty theatrics of the Creator to egotistically demonstrate His power to make or to break, and it was so unfortunate of me to belong to the group of people whom He wanted to break over and over again. I used to pity myself, to sulk in a corner, and to lick my wounds. I used to think that people eventually die so there was no point at all in prolonging life when prolonging it would be tantamount to prolonging agony. No wonder, therefore, that my life sucked in the past few years…because I have subliminally decided that life sucks. To cut the story short, I rebelled against myself; I rebelled against my family and society; and I rebelled against God.

In the course of my silent rebellion against God, I turned my back on the religious faith through which my mother raised me. I rejected the idea of the existence of a Divine Creator and of his lordship over my life. In the course of my rebellion against my puritan family, I have broken my family’s (especially my mom’s) heart by bumming around instead of concentrating on my studies in that premier university they have sent me to study at. In my anger to and rebellion against some people in my immediate society in the province, many times have I been tempted to give the go-signal to some people (or to do things myself) so as to physically harm those people who offended my family or to inflict damage on their possessions. In the course of my rebellion against and frustrations over my life, I indulged on nasty vices so as to hasten my demise -- my indirect attempt to put an end to my role in the so-called stage of my life’s play. I deliberately compromised myself and my life because I found no meaning to it. Call me self-destructive, an idiot or anything unsavory; I am not going to contest your claim…because in retrospection, I cannot help but castigate myself for being such a bumbling idiot.

“Life is not a bed of roses,” or so people say. Do you believe in that cliché? Prior to writing this, I firmly believed in it because I’d usually underscore on the imperfections of life. But after reflecting on everything that has transpired in my life, I have come to the conclusion that life is beautiful and is indeed comparable to a bed of roses. The crimson color of the petals is very much pleasing to the eyes especially against the backdrop of lush greens. However, the rose bushes are filled with thorns too. It is therefore up to us whether to appreciate the beautiful contrast of colors or to make a fuss over the intermingling of those painfully biting thorns. In essence, the beauty or ugliness of life is dependent upon our own dispositions in and perceptions of life as a whole.

For now, I can say with confidence and conviction that my life does not suck, thanks to this eye-opening segment. As such, I thank the Almighty for sustaining me throughout my misadventures even though I have turned my back on Him a few years back. I thank God for giving me a loving and supportive family whose actions are motivated by what they (family members) perceive is good for me. I thank Him for making me feel indignant and angry over the not-so-funny-actions-and-inactions (read my lips: perceived injustices) that have been committed against my family and for placing me in the company of mentoring people in the province because I have learned a lot of practical and street-smart lessons out of those abrasive situations. I thank my Creator for giving me this second chance to believe in Him and to submit to His lordship once again, if only to give peace to my soul. In short, I am mighty grateful for this chance to make amends with my past mistakes, with my hurts and with my frustrations.

Thinking retrospectively, I find humor on how God uses circumstances to mold me into a better person. Take my academics as an example. Before, I became an agnostic then an atheist because of too much philosophizing, thanks a lot to my Philosophy and other general education (GE) subjects. Moreover, I flunked three times in Sociology and I feel so ashamed of and to myself for always failing in that GE. (Sorry, guys, but I really find Sociology to be very unappealing to my rather selective-learning kind of a psyche.) However, it is through my Sociology subject that I have found my purpose in life and my drive to go on with my advocacies (Hello there, Philippine Contemporary Social Issues!). Furthermore, it is through my philosophizing and in my weaknesses that I have had an encounter with the mystery (and I mean MYSTERY!) of a Supreme Being’s existence. Call it a divine encounter or anything, but that is it.

I am sorry for elucidating too much on my what-if-I-suddenly-die reverie. Did I bore you? My point lang naman is to let you, guys, know that I, Beverly A. Ballitoc, a long-playing student of UPD, have decided to give a positive spin to my relatively dull life. I have found my purpose in life and I am going to work hard in order to attain the destiny that my Creator has in mind when He has formed me. Whereas before I have been painting a gloomy atmosphere in the canvas of my life, I have presently decided to add brighter colors to it in order to spruce up the picture. Whereas before I have been stressing so much on the negative and sad events in the stage of my life’s play, I think it is about time for me to give more emphasis to the little favors and blessings that God has bestowed (and is going to bestow) upon me. It is not yet too late for me to make amends, to enjoy life, and to inch my way toward the maximization of the potentials granted to me from above.

Carpe diem and Exelsior: these words are going to be my motto in life. And if ever I am indeed going to die prematurely without attaining the peak of my personhood or without delivering on the promises I have made to myself and to some people who are dear to me, then let this “reflection paper” be my testimony and manifesto. Hey, I am not being morbid here (because I know I still have a long life to live) neither am I preaching to you (because I am no preacher, let alone a saint); I simply want to make an example out of myself to people out there who want to go into some [mis]adventures so they may think twice before jumping out of their respective fishbowls. And to those young people reading this who have not yet decided to give a better meaning to their respective life, let me just tell you that I have gone through a lot of towers and trenches yet I have found no real satisfaction and security. At the end of the day, I have decided to say enough of my [spiritual mis]adventurism (read it: PRIDE) and I-do-not-care attitude in life. I have decide to find my way back -- no matter how long, humbling or laborious it may be -- to that fishbowl where I truly belong.

All of us have dreams. We all dream of greater successes. We all dream of the good life. But we must be aware that in this dog-eat-dog world, the courageous and well-prepared visionaries dominate the chance of making it to the summit. However, victory and success are not exclusively for people who dream big and spend big-time. Victory and Success open their doors, too, to people like you and me, people who endeavor to leave a lasting mark – a legacy – on even the most minute aspect of our respective life. Victory and Success are sweet, but nothing is sweeter than to witness the human soul triumph over the many adversities of life. Everything is but a matter of mindset. Everything is but a matter of disposal. Therefore, let us go for a revolution of the mind. Let us go for changes…And let’s start with ourselves!

I cannot change the sorry state of my country and those of my marginalized countrymen, but I can change the sorry state of my own life. Life is a matter of decisions and is comparable to a bed of roses. The beauty or ugliness of our respective life is dependent upon our own dispositions. I have decided to dwell on the little blessings and pleasures I have and will have in the future. I have decided to give substance and purpose to my life. And even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil for my God is with me (Psalm 23:4).

I have made the first step toward making my existence a beautiful and meaningful one. I have made the first step toward enjoying my life. And I feel good.

Indeed, the greatest pleasures in life are for free.




Sikatuna Village, QC
July 29, 2009